It’s Christmas time in Tom’s house; even his parents don’t like him so he hasn’t got any gifts, and the last time someone lit up a roaring fire in the household it was to Tom’s clothes while he was wearing them, but nonetheless Tom is full of Christmas spirit. And, if his mum finally carries out her plan of poisoning the little fucker to save everyone else in the world the trouble, methylated spirit. He’s bought everyone expensive presents (to get the money for which he had to sell his loose flabby bottomring to travelling gypsies) and written everyone handmade Christmas cards. But still, nobody likes him, because he’s just such a total twat, and no amount of cards or shinies will make up for that.
Finally, the centrepiece of Tom’s three-prong Christmassy attempt to make someone, anyone in the whole world think he’s anything other than a pointless cockgobbling piece of shat out bollock; he’ll create a delightful Flash video of “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”, featuring Santa Claus, dancing snowmen and finally a tap-dancing Tiny Tim, performing astonishing stunts with his crutch. Tom spends a good sixteen hours recording audio, making cartoons and tweening motions. All to make someone like him. Finally, after finishing his masterpiece, he uploads his finished work to YouTube. Rudolph is there, Santa is present, the snowmen are dancing and Tiny Tim is somehow doing the splits. It will be sure to draw a crowd.
But, alas: Tom’s fat fucking fingers can’t draw, and in making the subtitles for the song, he’s managed to make it about “Adolph The Big Black N****r”. Almost inevitably, it takes roughly 20 seconds before, seizing the next available chance to teach the stupid twat a lesson (the lesson always being “don’t breathe, die in a fire please”, a horde of angry people storms up to his front door and sets about making this a Christmas the obese racist dickhead will never forget. The handmade Christmas cards are rolled up and forcefed to him, the expensive gifts inserted one by one into his urethra, and finally the entire 6 foot Christmas tree shoved up his planetesque bum, decorations and all. One of the assembled villagers then realises; the local poor children still have nothing to eat! Eschewing the traditional ASDA SmartPrice turkey, tinned carrots and stuffing, they grab the nearest piece of fatty, tasteless meat they can find; the one that is by now crying in agony in the corner with an iPod down his penis, bits of chewed up cardboard between his teeth and a tree in his rectum. After hours of roasting, preparation, basting and seasoning, Tom’s cooked carcass is taken to the nearby council estate, where it is paraded around and provides ample food for the suffering men, women or children of the town, who tuck in quickly and hungrily. Finally, someone likes Tom… if only with roast potatoes and cranberry sauce. MERRY XMAS!!!1111
