A Very Special Christmas

It’s Christmas time in Tom’s house; even his parents don’t like him so he hasn’t got any gifts, and the last time someone lit up a roaring fire in the household it was to Tom’s clothes while he was wearing them, but nonetheless Tom is full of Christmas spirit. And, if his mum finally carries out her plan of poisoning the little fucker to save everyone else in the world the trouble, methylated spirit. He’s bought everyone expensive presents (to get the money for which he had to sell his loose flabby bottomring to travelling gypsies) and written everyone handmade Christmas cards. But still, nobody likes him, because he’s just such a total twat, and no amount of cards or shinies will make up for that.

Finally, the centrepiece of Tom’s three-prong Christmassy attempt to make someone, anyone in the whole world think he’s anything other than a pointless  cockgobbling piece of shat out bollock; he’ll create a delightful Flash video of “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”, featuring Santa Claus, dancing snowmen and finally a tap-dancing Tiny Tim, performing astonishing stunts with his crutch. Tom spends a good sixteen hours recording audio, making cartoons and tweening motions. All to make someone like him. Finally, after finishing his masterpiece, he uploads his finished work to YouTube. Rudolph is there, Santa is present, the snowmen are dancing and Tiny Tim is somehow doing the splits. It will be sure to draw a crowd.

But, alas: Tom’s fat fucking fingers can’t draw, and in making the subtitles for the song, he’s managed to make it about “Adolph The Big Black N****r”. Almost inevitably, it takes roughly 20 seconds before, seizing the next available chance to teach the stupid twat a lesson (the lesson always being “don’t breathe, die in a fire please”, a horde of angry people storms up to his front door and sets about making this a Christmas the obese racist dickhead will never forget. The handmade Christmas cards are rolled up and forcefed to him, the expensive gifts inserted one by one into his urethra, and finally the entire 6 foot Christmas tree shoved up his planetesque bum, decorations and all. One of the assembled villagers then realises; the local poor children still have nothing to eat! Eschewing the traditional ASDA SmartPrice turkey, tinned carrots and stuffing, they grab the nearest piece of fatty, tasteless meat they can find; the one that is by now crying in agony in the corner with an iPod down his penis, bits of chewed up cardboard between his teeth and a tree in his rectum. After hours of roasting, preparation, basting and seasoning, Tom’s cooked carcass is taken to the nearby council estate, where it is paraded around and provides ample food for the suffering men, women or children of the town, who tuck in quickly and hungrily. Finally, someone likes Tom… if only with roast potatoes and cranberry sauce. MERRY XMAS!!!1111

Everyone Hates Tom: Job Interview

Tom is hopped up and happy; he’s been offered an interview at the local discount cosmetics store, and he’s determined not to fuck up like he did the last time. He has it set in stone that this time, he won’t molest anyone’s children and if he gets told they’ll get in touch he won’t burn the shop down for a laugh while masturbating in the high street.

He’s not that thick (OK, perhaps he is that thick, and maybe a little more so, yes that’s it) so he’s picked out some decent clothes from his wardrobe. He’s made particularly sure that he chooses the clothes that haven’t previously been used as jizzrags, and that he wears a strong deodorant and aftershave to cover his usual odour of pig shit and overripe Brie, once famously mistaken for an early warning of an overflowing sewer. This time, he tells himself, he’ll get a job. A well paying job, that doesn’t involve sexual favours or much degradation.

Early on the morning of the interview, Tom wakes up, bathes in the requisite 400 gallons of cologne and prepares himself for a conversation that might well change his life. He walks into the shop, and comes out an hour later… employed! Happy with his newfound success, Tom is immediately set upon by a gang of drunken, psychotic neo-Nazis who especially like violence, who spend a good three hours ripping every single soft piece of tissue on Tom’s massive stinking body into ribbons, every so often pausing to take a pneumatic drill to where his balls would be if they were visible to the naked eye. Not entirely content with this level of beating, they take the still conscious Tom over to their newly built torture centre, where they make him swim for fifteen days solid in a gigantic vat full of broken glass, TCP and lemon juice, only allowing him to stop so as to give him his only allowed form of sustenance; fresh piss delivered right into his mouth by a man with chronic cystitis and herpes. After this fifteen days, Tom is allowed out of the torture center, where he is buggered senseless by a deranged junkie with a fifteen inch penis, who even in his addled state hates Tom; he’s only too happy to give the by now grotesquely dismembered little cunt speed AIDS, causing his immune system to fail over a period of 25 seconds. Finally, as his last 25 seconds passes, a feral cat scratches the little shit’s eyes out, leaving him alone, blind and bleeding in an alleyway; a fitting way to die, and the way he should have been born, really.

Everyone Hates Tom: Rickrolled

In the next episode; Tom is busy going shopping, when he discovers to his dismay that a group of forum users, annoyed at such a sack of shit’s continual existence, have decided to make his life even worse by Rickrolling him; Rick Astley is now following Tom around, singing his massive 80s hit “Never Gonna Give You Up” constantly until the hateful little prick dies. Astley does this pro bono (i.e. for free, for the benefit of the whole human race – which, make no mistake, is what Tom killing himself would be), and all of the people who have to suffer Tom’s nauseating presence day in day out willingly collaborate, even allowing Astley’s energetic dancing and singing into his college classroom. His classmates, although deterred by the crooning, are willing to put up with a couple of days of aural discomfort if it means that they don’t have to hear Tom, a complete wanker so fat and ugly his dad was convinced his wife had fucked a warthog nine months prior to his birth, incessantly droning on about some anime he saw last night which only four people in the world have seen, three of which only watched it on the offchance that a Japanese schoolgirl would get fucked up the arse by a giant octopus with cocks for tentacles (and one of those was Tom). Even shop assistants consider the ongoing Rickroll to be far less irritating than Tom alone.

Finally, after several days of enduring a ginger Northerner singing at him, Tom flips. Frothing at the mouth, he dances naked on top of the college building singing a rendition of Never Gonna Give You Up that’s all his own, rendering it tuneless and somehow fat. Then, several hundred incidents of people looking upwards and being incurably blinded by the sight of everyone’s least favourite blubster later, a firearms unit is called in to snipe him off the roof – four members of which are left blinded with post traumatic stress disorder. Although they’d witnessed the horrors of riots, Fallujah and a street shoot out, nothing had prepared them for the sight of Tom with no clothes on. Finally, after the steeliest member of the team is called in, Tom is knocked dead with a headshot, falling off of the roof directly onto a working sculpture of a giant food processor made by a third year art student, turning his lumpen body into a bloody, greasy geyser for all to see – a sign of both hope and justice for all concerned.

Everyone Hates Tom: The Holiday

It’s summer, and Tom has saved up enough pennies from his day job of masturbating frantically on webcam to hordes of absolute perverts (as noone else will employ him for fear of catching AIDS) to afford a two day break in the West Country, where he hopes to finally find someone thick enough to actually want to sleep with him. After surviving the train journey down, where he is almost thrown off the side of the train while it is moving at 100mph for no other reason than that he’s a cunt, Tom immediately sets out to have it off with as many cross-eyed fleshwastes as his puny, undersized penis will accommodate. To this end, he enters the first pub he sees, The Cock and Harp, and attempts to chat up as many nubile young women as he can in the space of half an hour, earning him no shags and plenty of kicks into his medically-irrelevant ballbag. Finally, down on his luck, he tries the only girl left in the pub, and succeeds! Hopped up on the revelation that he will, for once, get a shag, he eagerly follows the girl back to her flat… but alas; the girl turns out to be a burly sailor in drag with forearms the size of cinderblocks, who is into making young, inexperienced boys from the Home Counties endure violent, incessant buggery until they die.

Dazed, violated and dripping blood from every available orifice, Tom makes his way back to the train station, where he is immediately set upon by a horde of unionised railwaymen, who take the opportunity to throw him underneath a passing express train on the grounds that having to transport such a pointless waste of chromosomes for any period of time constitutes cruel and unusual punishment, constructive dismissal and, if nothing else, a really fucking annoying pain in the arse. Although surviving , Tom’s last hours are spent nasally ingesting the liquidised shit, piss and used bog roll spurted out the bottom of every through train until, having enough of this cruel and pitiful life, he stands up defiantly and is sliced clean in two by a special promotional train sponsored by the Nev-R-Blunt Kitchen Knife, Razor and Buzzsaw company fashioned in the shape of a gigantic razor blade. Even in the afterlife, not content with already making everyone’s life a misery, his assorted fat globules are spread far and wide over the tracks, necessitating a three months decontamination and cleanup by Network Rail in which five people needlessly perish – all in the name of one fat cunt.